COB-94: bureaucratic software tools

With the increasing prevalence of cyber-attacks, leading bureaucracies are implementing new layers of software protection.  Advanced bureaucratic security software prevents employees from installing any software on a computer or loading any data on the computer.  The software also prevents employees from transferring any data or files from a computer.  Printing is also forbidden.  Use of USB drives and DVD readers/writers is disabled.  Nothing can be connected to the computer.

Bureaucratic security software includes protection against unauthorized computer users.  After every 100 keystrokes or 3 minutes (whichever comes first), the computer locks and the screen is blanked.  To unlock the screen, the employee must enter a password containing at least 20 characters, with at least one uppercase letter, at least one number, and at least one character from the string !@#$!!.  In addition, the employee must touch the screen with her middle finger for fingerprint two-factor authentication.

To prevent worms from infecting applications, each application has a whitelist of tasks that it’s authorized to run.  If an employee attempts to use the application to do a task that’s not on the whitelist, the application locks.

bricked computer provides ultimate in cyber-security

In level-two security mode, the power cord of the computer is disconnected.  Then nothing typed on the keyboard can get into the computer and no hostile processes can run on it.  Given the threats that now exist, many leading bureaucracies now advise employees to keep computers in level-two security mode.

At leading bureaucracies, planning is now underway to port project management software to computers in level-two security mode.  State-of-the-art bureaucrat project management software has important features:

  • Task hierarchy to the 50th level, with customizable color coding
  • Gantt-like dependency visualization with intelligent, machine-generated recommended voice directives
  • Template-based for repetitive tasks, with a large library of special-purpose, pre-coded templates that can be easily invoked
  • 100% accurate Velocity tracking, with full capabilities for velocity simulating and forecasting
  • single-click Gmail calendar integration, with simultaneous posting to multiple Facebook accounts
  • iPhone, iPad, and Android applications (Blackberry no longer supported) that enable continuous multi-manager monitoring and development of project management schema

The project management software will be ported to computers in level-two security mode using a paper-based interface.  The plan for the port called for an industry-standard software framework.  Unfortunately, the tool-building factory factory factory hasn’t yet been ported to paper.  Management responded by directing the development team to use AngularJS for the port.  The status of that project is currently unknown.

In other bureaucratic issues this month, Sydney Brenner declares that academy and publishing are destroying scientific innovation.  Academy and publishing rank just below militaries in bureaucratic power.  They should be commended for helping to protect society against the risks of innovation.

ProPublica reports that leading tax-preparation software seller Intuit has extensively lobbied against simplified tax filing.  Two issues should distinguished: the complexity of tax laws, and the organization that helps taxpayers comply with the tax laws.  More complex tax codes are an important bureaucratic achievement and deserve to be supported.  What organization should assist taxpayers is simply a matter of cost-benefit analysis.  The IRS is a better bureaucracy than Intuit and offers service at lower cost to taxpayers.  The IRS should provide tools for taxpayers to make simplified tax filings while the tax code gets ever more complex.

Brian Chesky, CEO of the entrepreneurial monster Airbnb, set up a meeting to focus on Core Values.  Setting up a meeting is always a good idea.  Chesky went one step further and issued a memo before the meeting.  The cover sheet of the memo hasn’t been made public, so it’s difficult to evaluate its merit.  But the more memos that are issued, the more output a company has produced.  The key idea of Chesky’s memo is “Don’t {censured} up the culture.”  That’s wrong.  Companies that aspire to be world-class bureaucratic leaders must continually up the culture of bureaucracy.  A good start would be to have custom-made pens and staplers with “Up the culture!” emblazoned on them in your company’s colors.

That’s all for this month’s Carnival of Bureaucrats.  Enjoy previous bureaucratic carnivals here.  Nominations of posts to be considered for inclusion in next month’s carnival should be submitted using Form 376: Application for Bureaucratic Recognition.

One thought on “COB-94: bureaucratic software tools”

  1. I am an old fellow who has seen transitions in IP services for employees in many fine companies and law firms. Transitions always happen the same way. The people in IP are usually intelligent well intentioned. However, the users are, at least at first, impacted in a negative way, Eventually, everyone adapts to the limitations of the new system. Productivity may or may not increase. But eventually the “new way” is just “the way thing are”.

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